The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!!
Volume 6, Number 2


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

*When trying to load the millions of bits of paper in your office onto the digital picture frame you bought on sale at London Drugs, make sure you find out how to reformat your pictures so they will play before you cut it to bits with your chainsaw arm and throw the thing out the window into the garden. To this end, obtain a Mac Guru (who you refer to as "Dear Free Tech Support") and let him talk you off the ledge. Enjoy the new picture frame freely!

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: Given that Sandy's money pot now weighs over 8 pounds, if you suffer from back strain from lifting the pot of found money, will it be covered by workwomen's compensation?

A: That depends entirely on the number and brand of chainsaw arms found on the jar. If the jar has two Stihl brand chainsaw arms and someone tries to lift it, knowing that the chainsaw arms will increase the weight of the jar, then the injured person is not eligible for Workman's Compensation.

3] General News!

* It's a slow week, kids, but don't despair. Take Ella's advice: "Oma! Eyes to the ground!!" And actually, this week's report only encompasses 3 days so I think it'll be better next week.

4] Last week's total!

* We started the week with (give or take) $250.86

5] Money reported this week!

+ Kim's 7 pennies from random parking lots and Dangerousway stores. 4 of them were lined up in a bread crumb sort of way, as though luring me into the grocery store.
+ Stu's 36 cents (!!!). 25 cents from the ticket spitter, a penny at the pub, and a dime on the street outside the shop
+ Karen's 9 cents (!!!!!) following her goddaughter Katie around downtown Toronto. Katie loved our idea so much she started randomly flinging pennies to the ground for Karen to "find".
+ Karen's 1 penny on Queen Street, Toronto
+ Karen's 1 penny on Yonge Street, Toronto
+ Karen's 8 cents (!!!!!!) at Union Station, Toronto. she postulates that it's because there's a food court in there.
+ Karen's 2 cents on King Street, Toronto. [Editor's note: Toronto is the goldmine Vegas never was!!!] she had to wait for two teenagers to get on the bus so she could grab them from under their feet.
+ Sandy's $1.15 (!!!!!) from some cans at a Standardized Patient gig and a cart. yay!


For a total this week of $1.79 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$252.65!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$146.94 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!!
Volume 6, Number 1


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

To remove suddenly-appearing strange children on bicycles from your back yard, call the landlords and have them evicted by making up stories about how they're stealing your asparagus. Erect a large, electrified fence. Next, confiscate the basketballs and bike helmets they leave lying around in your garden and refuse to give them back, thus earning yourself the noble title, "That Mean Old Lady Next Door". Next, play Barry Manilow's greatest hits on repeat from a CD player strategically pointed at the house. If all of that fails, try the old "Get off my lawn!" tactic. [Editor's note: only the last technique has actually been applied to the problem.]

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: The Bat Boy from Baseline Burger Barn asks, "Why is this report so late again?"

A: Because, like, um.

Q: "Ah."

3] General News!

Described as a mysterious mix of chiroptera and human, Bat Boy is a regular character appearing in the pages of the veracity-challenged tabloid Weekly World News, as well as the subject of the theatrical production Bat Boy: The Musical. In 1992 the tabloid reported that a strange creature called the Bat Boy had been found in a cave in the mountains of West Virginia. At the time he was described as being three or four years old, with fangs, a bald head, "enormous amber eyes" and ears "like satellite dishes." Since then Bat Boy has appeared many times in the pages of the Weekly World News, most recently as a thorn in the side of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Bat Boy's popularity helped launch a musical, which debuted off-Broadway in 2001 and has been described as a cross between My Fair Lady andThe Rocky Horror Picture Show.


4] Last week's total!

* We started the week with (give or take) $241.05

5] Money reported this week!

+ Karen's 11 cents from a beer can at the Vipers' game and a penny at Dangerousway
+ Sandy and Sig's $2.42 a-like so: "4 safeway carts, went to the varscona to a play tonight and found 2 pennies and one quarter near the door. a dime AND a quarter on the floor of safeways while actually insided and buying milk! 7 cans. (3 from the fake patient thing, two in the ditch possible someone new.. canadian this time, and 2 from inside the varscona)
+ Sandy's $3.05 (!!!!!!!!!!!!) a-like so: "so there I was, being a liver, and at the break, I was telling the lady who runs the fake patient thing, about finding money and no money xmas. and safeway carts, and found pop cans.. at the end of the day, she hands me a bag full of all the cans and bottles from lunch! plus one safeway cart on the way home.
+ Sandy's 10 cents: "a ROOT BEER can???? in the ditch here? what the hell, has he become a reformed drinker?
+ Karen's 12 cents a-like so: "A dime and two pennies at the south centre mall food court proving my theory that mall food courts are gold mines"
+ Karen's 1 cent from some parking lot
+ Karen's 26 cents from a penny and a Dangerousway cart (on a +27 degree day)
+ Kim's 1 Yankee Cent a-like so: "i found a total of ONE PENNY in Vegas and it was in my room! it had been half vaccuumed under the lip between the carpet and the bathroom. i had to dig it out. no other money anywhere"
+ Karen's 26 cents a-like so: "Another cart quarter and another penny! Yay dangerous way!"
+ Karen's 11 cents (a dime from the Dangeroussay and a penny from the SEV.)
+ Ella and Sandy's $3.26 (!!!!!!!!) a-like so: "AND.. today I found a quarter in a safeway cart, A LOONIE IN A ZELLERS CART, the picked up ella from school, and we went through the drive through at macdonalds. this from a 5 year old: "OMA!!! eyes to the ground!" so opened the door, and ella is yelling "A PENNY! A PENNY!" but there was also a quarter!!"
+ Stu's 10 cents from down the street.

For a total this week of $9.81 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$250.86!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$145.15 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!!
Volume 5, Number 4


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

How to Build an Ark! 

In case you need to build one, here are the instructions:

Obtain a large quantity of gopherwood. If gopherwood is not available, substitute common cypress, noted in the Mediterranean for its resistance to rotting. Begin gathering animals to carry in the ark. Start with pack animals, which will make it easier to haul in the necessary gopherwood. Prepare a framework on which to attach the outer hull, planking and decking. Framework dimensions are 300 cubits (450 feet) long by 50 cubits (75 feet) wide by 30 cubits (45 feet) high. Attach planking for the outer hull, placing a door in the side to make it easier to load the animals into the ark. Also attach decking and two subdecks, dividing the ark into upper, middle and lower levels. Divide the floors into rooms to keep the animals separated and provide separate space for the human crew. Secure the galley so that hungry animals can't break in and eat more than their share. Make a roofed cabin for the upper deck and finish the ark to within a cubit (18 inches) from the top. Coat the hull inside and out with pitch to seal any gaps between the planks and protect the wood. Apply several coats, as the ark must withstand forty days and nights of rain, plus another 110 days of ocean travel and another 7 months of sitting in mud on Mount Ararat.


2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: Karen from Calgary asks, "how much does the human head weigh?"

A: With or without a Chainsaw Arm?

Q: "With."

A: Okay, well, an adult human cadaver head cut off around vertebra C3, with no hair, weighs somewhere between 4.5 and 5 kg, constituting around 8% of the whole body mass. BUT with a chainsaw arm attached to vertebra C3, it would weigh approximately 14 kg, depending on the brand of chainsaw one attached to it. Since the Terminator's head weighs 20 kg all on its own, if one added a chainsaw arm to the Terminator's head (again, depending on the brand of chainsaw and given the head was from the T-800 series and not the T-1000 series as the T-1000 series' heads are lighter with less bad acting and big sunglasses), the total weight would be between 24 and 30 kg. We hope that answers your question, Karen from Calgary, and thanks for writing!

3] General News!

Weekly Found Money Report Late Because of Influence of Space Alien Bat Boy!

The Weekly Found Money Report is late this week, we can reveal, because of the evil influence of the Space Alien Bat Boy. Sources say that the Bat Boy has been influencing the cosmos by wearing a tinfoil hat and channelling his Space Alien Energies into making the Weekly Found Money Report late. "The Weekly Found Money Report is late this week," said the source, "because the Space Alien Bat Boy has fashioned a tinfoil hat which reportedly channels his Space Alien Energies." The source added that the Bat boy Energies were responsible for the lateness of this week's report and that Kimmy was not to be blamed in any way for the lateness of the Report. "We must be careful not to blame Kimmy in any way for not getting her poop in a group and getting the Report out on time. The Space Alien Bat Boy has been using his tinfoil hat to channel his Space Alien Bat Boy Energies into making the Report late."

4] Last week's total!

* We started the week with (give or take) $231.89

5] Money reported this week!

+ Sandy's 10 cents from "one measly water bottle." MOM! every measly water bottle counts!
+ Karen's $1.28 haul (!!!!!!!!) a-like so: "Very good trip to the mall yesterday. A penny at home depot. 2 pennies in the gold mine food court. One safeway cart quarter and a LOONIE on the floor at the shoppers drug mart cosmetic counter!"
+ Sandy's 25 cents from "one measly cart". i think she's beginning to form an unnatural attachment to the word "measly".
+ Karen's 4 cents at Tim's drive-thru
+ Karen's 4 cents a-like so: "2 pennies at the newspaper smoke shop at the north hill mall. God I love this mall! Then 2 more at safeway and one of those was at the great florist counter!
+ Sandy's 25 from "one measly cart". there's that "M" word again!
+ Kim's 25 cents from the floor of the pub. i told a guy who was standing next to where i found it what we were doing, and then THIS happened:
+ Kim's $2.25 from a guy called Oliver who i've never met! he heard what i was doing, and "accidentally" dropped $2.25 on the floor and said, "Oh no! Look! I dropped my money! Now I guess it will have to go to charity!" i thanked him like mad!
+ Griffin and Cam's 60 cents (2 carts and a can)
+ Sandy and Sig's 55 cents from two bottles, a Dangerousway cart and a Lucky Lager (old faithful) can
+ Karen's 2 cents from the ticket spitter and the print shop
+ Stacey and Ella's $2.41 !!!!!!!!!!!! from all kinds of carts and bottles and the help of Vi!!!
+ Sandy's 50 cents all from beer cans in the ditch
+ Sandy and Sig's 62 cents (2 Safeway carts + one water bottle + a penny at the bank + one penny at Eastgate mall.


For a total this week of $9.16 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$241.05!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$135.34 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!
Volume 5, Number 3


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

How to Make a Chainsaw Arm!
Bruce Campbell made chainsaw arms famous in his portrayal of Ash Williams in the Sam Raimi action-horror movie classics “Evil Dead,” “Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn” and “Army of Darkness.” In the films, Bruce Campbell sports a chainsaw over his stump of an arm and wields it into a zombie-ridden crowd. Read on to find out how to make your own chainsaw arm to fight zombies during Halloween!
1. Decide which arm you want to have your chainsaw arm.
2. Apply a generous amount of glue to the top side of the glove.
3. Attach the underside of your toy chainsaw handle to the topside of the glove.
4. Press with heavy books to keep the glue and chainsaw close and allow the glue to fully adhere.
5. Let dry for at least 1 hour.

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: How do earthworms digest their food?

A: Since it has no jaws or teeth, the earthworm uses its muscular pharynx to suck in soil containing food. The food particles and soil go through a long esophagus into a round organ called a crop. Then it is forced into the gizzard. The gizzard contracts and expands, causing grains of sand and food to rub together. In this way, the food is ground up. Digestion is made significantly more easy if the worm has at least one chainsaw arm.

Q: Ah.


3] General News!

Bat Boy Found In Cave Making Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms to Lure Space Aliens to his Lair, says source. A source has revealed to The Weekly Found $$$ Report that the famous Bat Boy of Baseline Burger Barn has been found making Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms to lure Space Aliens to his Lair. His reasoning is unclear. "We're not clear about his reasoning," said the source, "but we know that he's been making several Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms to lure Space Aliens to his Lair." The source also revealed that there was not just one but several Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms being constructed but that the Bat Boy's reasoning is still unclear. "The Bat Boy's reasoning is still somewhat unclear," revealed the source, adding that several of the mysterious Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms had been constructed by the Bat Boy for an unclear reason other than to lure Space Aliens to his Lair.

4] Last week's total!
* We started the week with (give or take) $223.01

5] Money reported this week!

+ Kimmy's 25 cents from a Dangerousway cart found in the cart thingy while walking through the parking lot on her way to the pub to play pool with the Writer in Residence.
+ Sandy and Sig's $1.70 a-like so: 6 safeway carts. (on a lovely day in the middle of the afternoon) and one water bottle and one old faithful lucky lager in my ditch!! My apologies! This should have been in last week's report!!!!!!
+ Sandy's 25 cents (every one counts) from one cart even though it was SNOWING.
+ Sandy's 75 cents (it was -1 so she thought it should have been more but that's a pretty good haul!)
+ Kim's 1 cent at Stu's pub under the foot of the visiting Writer in Residence. he stepped off it to play his turn at the pool table, and i nabbed it!
+ Karen's TOONIE!!!! at the florist counter at the Dangerousway!
+ Kim's 10 cents in the College parking lot
+ Sandy's $1.00 from driving around Dangerousway lots when she was supposed to be racing home with Sig's prescriptions. as she says, "i know. i'm a rotten wife."
+ Sandy's 10 cents from one bottle somewhere
+ Karen's 22 cents from 2 cans and 2 pennies outside the school yard on a dog walk.
+ Sandy and Sig's $1.75 a-like so: "loooooonnnniiieeeeee AT SUPER STORE!!!! one safeway cart and five drink containers in the ditch. one dr, pepper, one "monster energy drink", and two lucky lager (old faithful)"
+ Sandy's 50 cents from 4 bottles and a lucky lager can in the ditch. (those teenagers shore do drink a heap o' Lucky Lager in mom's ditch!)
+ Sandy's 25 from one "measly" Dangerousway cart. Mother! Every One Counts!



For a total this week of $8.88 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$231.89!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$126.18 is currently in the Charity Fund.

Major Haul!

Way too long since we had a smiley face!

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!
Volume 5, Number 2


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!
3] General News!
4] Last week's total!
5] Money reported this week!
6] Grand total to date!

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

* To remove blood stains, follow this procedure. This may be difficult for use in large areas.
Gather some spit in your mouth.
Spit on the blood-stained area.
Rub the stains out.
Rinse with cold water.
The enzymes in spit used to help digest food also degrade the proteins in blood that make it so difficult to clean. This method works well, but it is also recommended to wash with cold water and use stain removers. It works well on not only items of clothing, but on rugs.

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: How come only Maryann gets all the charity nickels?
A: Cause she's way nicer than the rest of us.
Q: Ah.

3] General News!

* Bat Boy Found in Texas Cave Predicts End Times by Deciphering Snot Patterns on Cave Floor!

4] Last week's total!
* we started the week with (give or take) $221.00

5] Money reported this week!

+ Karen's LOONIE in a One Yellow Rabbit theatre dressing room
+ Karen's 1 cent from the same dressing room
+ Sandy's 10 cents from one pop bottle at NAIT
+ Karen's 1 cent at the Subway
+ Stacey, Ella, and Vi's 80 cents (!!!!) all frm pop cans
+ Karen's 2 cents in the faithful North Hill Mall food court
+ Maryann's 7 cents a-like so: the CNIB sent her a nickel (i really want to know why charities don't send me money) and 2 found pennies

Yes, folks. That's it for the week. Our first fairly slow one. Thank heavens for the people above. Otherwise, we'd have nothing!


For a total this week of $2.01!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$223.01!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$117.30 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!
Volume 1, Number 1


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!
3] General News!
4] Last week's total!
5] Money reported this week!
6] Grand total to date!

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

* Kim says, Senoirs TOOZday at the Dangerousway looks like it would be a great time for carts no matter what the weather. i was there yesterday (i think it must be the first Tuesday of the month) and i was in a big hurry so i didn't drive around but it looked like there were abaondoned carts everywhere!

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: Why isn't the MS Society sending us nickels anymore?
A: Maybe they've cottoned on to us?

3] General News!

* apparently, Sandy and Sig's neighbourhood is SCTPC (Strathcona County Teenage Party Central), and every day they seem to find more and more beer cans in the ditch! if only those rebellious youngsters knew that their seemingly transgressive activities (they think they're so cool) are actually HELPING people less fortunate than themselves. would they stop or carry on? we should leave a ditch sign for them letting them know what their empties are going toward and see what happens.

4] Last week's total!

* we started the week with (give or take) $211.94

5] Money reported this week!

+ Stu's 5 cents from Ol' Faithful (the ticket spitter in the parking lot downtown)
+ Kim's penny from outside City Hall
+ Kim's 25 cents a-like so: "a cart was GIVEN to me yesterday! i was at the Dangerousway buying buns and a guy is just finished putting his groceries in the van. it's snowing like crazy. the guy says "do you need a cart by any chance?" me: "i just might!" knowing full well i DIDN'T. him: "here you go!" me: "but your quarter!" him: "meh..." me: "thank you!" that guy's goin' steeeee-RAIGHT TA HEAVEN."
+ Karen's 10 cents from the theatre box office
+ Sandy and Griffin's 20 cents from 2 bottles
+ Kevin's 3 cents found somewhereorother (Karen's word)
+ Sandy's 85 cents from a pop can and 3 carts in a "circle the wagons" configuration
+ Sig's 10 cents from the floor of the bottle depot. that seems prophetic.
+ Sandy's 25 cents from "one measly cart". mother, EVERY ONE COUNTS!
+ Ella and Stacey's 51 cents from 2 carts and the penny from somewhereorother
+ VI'S $1.26 (!!!!!!!!) FROM A LOONIE IN FRONT OF A CASINO, AND 26 CENTS OUTSIDE HER HOUSE! VI! YOU GO!
+ Sandy's 50 cents from 2 carts
+ Sandy's 60 cents from 2 Dangerousway carts and a pop can
+ Karen's 2 cents from the Husky station and the coffee shop
+ Karen's 11 cents from Starbucks. those Starbucks customers... some of them are so rich, they don't even CARE that they dropped 11 cents!
+ Karen's 2 cents: one at the Auburn and one at Dangerousway
+ Sandy's 20 cents from 2 pop cans at Corbett Hall
+ Sandy and Sig's $1.15 (!!!!!!!) a-like so: "only one safeway cart!! 25 cents.. BUT a total of 90 cents of pop bottles.. whoever drinks and throws on our road has switched brands.. from lucky lager, to brew house."
+ Sandy and Sig's $1.15 (!!!!!!) found exactly the same way as above!
+ Sandy's 85 cents from 3 Dangerousway carts and a pop bottle
+ Sandy and Sig's 85 cents found exactly the same way as above! do those two have a daily pattern?


For a total this week of $9.06


Our grand total is now:

$221.00!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$115.29 is currently in the Charity Fund.