Volume 5, Number 4
IN THIS ISSUE:
1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!
3] General News!
4] Last week's total!
5] Money reported this week!
6] Grand total to date!
1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
How to Build an Ark!
In case you need to build one, here are the instructions:
Obtain a large quantity of gopherwood. If gopherwood is not available, substitute common cypress, noted in the Mediterranean for its resistance to rotting. Begin gathering animals to carry in the ark. Start with pack animals, which will make it easier to haul in the necessary gopherwood. Prepare a framework on which to attach the outer hull, planking and decking. Framework dimensions are 300 cubits (450 feet) long by 50 cubits (75 feet) wide by 30 cubits (45 feet) high. Attach planking for the outer hull, placing a door in the side to make it easier to load the animals into the ark. Also attach decking and two subdecks, dividing the ark into upper, middle and lower levels. Divide the floors into rooms to keep the animals separated and provide separate space for the human crew. Secure the galley so that hungry animals can't break in and eat more than their share. Make a roofed cabin for the upper deck and finish the ark to within a cubit (18 inches) from the top. Coat the hull inside and out with pitch to seal any gaps between the planks and protect the wood. Apply several coats, as the ark must withstand forty days and nights of rain, plus another 110 days of ocean travel and another 7 months of sitting in mud on Mount Ararat.
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!
Q: Karen from Calgary asks, "how much does the human head weigh?"
A: With or without a Chainsaw Arm?
Q: "With."
A: Okay, well, an adult human cadaver head cut off around vertebra C3, with no hair, weighs somewhere between 4.5 and 5 kg, constituting around 8% of the whole body mass. BUT with a chainsaw arm attached to vertebra C3, it would weigh approximately 14 kg, depending on the brand of chainsaw one attached to it. Since the Terminator's head weighs 20 kg all on its own, if one added a chainsaw arm to the Terminator's head (again, depending on the brand of chainsaw and given the head was from the T-800 series and not the T-1000 series as the T-1000 series' heads are lighter with less bad acting and big sunglasses), the total weight would be between 24 and 30 kg. We hope that answers your question, Karen from Calgary, and thanks for writing!
3] General News!
Weekly Found Money Report Late Because of Influence of Space Alien Bat Boy!
The Weekly Found Money Report is late this week, we can reveal, because of the evil influence of the Space Alien Bat Boy. Sources say that the Bat Boy has been influencing the cosmos by wearing a tinfoil hat and channelling his Space Alien Energies into making the Weekly Found Money Report late. "The Weekly Found Money Report is late this week," said the source, "because the Space Alien Bat Boy has fashioned a tinfoil hat which reportedly channels his Space Alien Energies." The source added that the Bat boy Energies were responsible for the lateness of this week's report and that Kimmy was not to be blamed in any way for the lateness of the Report. "We must be careful not to blame Kimmy in any way for not getting her poop in a group and getting the Report out on time. The Space Alien Bat Boy has been using his tinfoil hat to channel his Space Alien Bat Boy Energies into making the Report late."
4] Last week's total!
* We started the week with (give or take) $231.89
5] Money reported this week!
+ Sandy's 10 cents from "one measly water bottle." MOM! every measly water bottle counts!
+ Karen's $1.28 haul (!!!!!!!!) a-like so: "Very good trip to the mall yesterday. A penny at home depot. 2 pennies in the gold mine food court. One safeway cart quarter and a LOONIE on the floor at the shoppers drug mart cosmetic counter!"
+ Sandy's 25 cents from "one measly cart". i think she's beginning to form an unnatural attachment to the word "measly".
+ Karen's 4 cents at Tim's drive-thru
+ Karen's 4 cents a-like so: "2 pennies at the newspaper smoke shop at the north hill mall. God I love this mall! Then 2 more at safeway and one of those was at the great florist counter!
+ Sandy's 25 from "one measly cart". there's that "M" word again!
+ Kim's 25 cents from the floor of the pub. i told a guy who was standing next to where i found it what we were doing, and then THIS happened:
+ Kim's $2.25 from a guy called Oliver who i've never met! he heard what i was doing, and "accidentally" dropped $2.25 on the floor and said, "Oh no! Look! I dropped my money! Now I guess it will have to go to charity!" i thanked him like mad!
+ Griffin and Cam's 60 cents (2 carts and a can)
+ Sandy and Sig's 55 cents from two bottles, a Dangerousway cart and a Lucky Lager (old faithful) can
+ Karen's 2 cents from the ticket spitter and the print shop
+ Stacey and Ella's $2.41 !!!!!!!!!!!! from all kinds of carts and bottles and the help of Vi!!!
+ Sandy's 50 cents all from beer cans in the ditch
+ Sandy and Sig's 62 cents (2 Safeway carts + one water bottle + a penny at the bank + one penny at Eastgate mall.
For a total this week of $9.16 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our grand total is now:
$241.05!!!!!!!!!
$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.
$135.34 is currently in the Charity Fund.
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