The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!

The (Sort of) Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!!
Volume 7, Number 1


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!


2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q from Sig: If the bank gives you a free pop, does the pop can money count as the bank gave it to you free? After all, they've been taking money from me for years.

A: YES!

3] General News!

* Heh heh... Pay no attention to the girl behind the curtain!!! You know, the one who hasn't filed a report in two and a half weeks!

* The money pot at Sig and Sandy's now weighs 8.5 pounds!

4] Last week's total!

* We started the week with (give or take) $257.41

5] Money reported these past two weeks!

+ Karen's penny from Sunridge Mall
+ Katie's 11 cents from various sidewalks
+ Katie's 25 from a cart. she jumped out of a moving van to get it!
+ Karen's 3 cents from the food court. she had to wait for a stoopid woman to move so she could get the third
+ Karen and Katie's 42 cents a-like so: "Quarter at eb games. Dime at in source. Nickle in hallway of mall. Penny at quiznos. Penny miraculously appearing at the feet of me and Katie"
+ Karen and Katie's $1.13 (!!!!!!) from carts and sidewarlks and food courts!
+ Karen and Griffin's 86 cents a-like so: "Market mall in another storm. 75 cents in cart money and 11 cents from food court. Griffin for carts. Karen for court"
+ Griffin and Karen's $1.45 (!!!!!) from five carts and two bottles
+ Karen's 4 cents from a pay phone and three on the floor of the St. Albert Starbucks
+ Stacey's community effort of $1.25 a-like so: "well, in honor of Ella's father we walked away from thirty cents after seeing a movie today. had I had my trusty reusable bag on hand they would have been ours. however Mrs.H. and family didn't shy away from this opportunity and found 8 bottles, much to her boys' excitement but to her husband's embarrassment. Amy's mom Lin found a penny on the way to the washroom at Moxie's for us :). our neighbour of days passed donated 24 cents from her Norwex order change
and 10 cents from Mrs. Q who couldn't find a recycle bin so I offered to recycle it for her :) found dr.pepper on dog walk - 10 cents
+ Larry's 1 cents from Beer-o-clock Friday!
+ Sandy's 1 cent from somebody's shoe while camping
+ Sandy and Sig's 20 cents from 2 pop bottles
+ Karen's 10 cents on the step at her friend's house
+ Karen's 1 cent at the Dangerousway
+ Stacey's 1 shiny penny in the grass
+ Sandy's 26 cents from a penny found somewhere and a cart
+ Sandy and Sig's $2.20 (!!!!!) a-like so: "4 safeway carts and one loonie STUCK in a super store cart! someone had plugged in the cart, but given up on getting the dollar unstuck!! not me baby. plus!! then we had to go to the bank, and outside they were having a free hotdog BBQ to say thank you for your service.. so hot dogs in hand, they hand us each a can of pop!! so 20 more cents for 2 cans."
+ Karen's 1 cent at the Coop.
+ Sandy and Sig's 10 cents from an apple juice container
+ Stacey, Larry and Ella's 66 cents from a free chocolate milk and 55 cents left on a calling card Stacey found on the ground. we don't care if Larry objects. the 55 cents counts.
+ Karen's 3 cents under a campground pay phone
+ Karen's 25 cents outside the corner store
+ Kim and Sandy's 95 cents a-like so: "7 beer/pop/water cans and one 2 litre sprite bottle, all in the ditches along the roads by Sandy and Sig's house.
+ Kim and Sandy's 1 cent at the Tims downtown Edmonton
+ Stacey and Ella's 30 cents from life-risking bottle pickups and dog walks on Canada Day
+ Stu's nickel at the Sev.
+ Kimmy and Stu's 43 cents. it's on my desk. i have no idea where it all came from. cause i didn't report. so, 43 cents from... somewhere.


For a total this (more than a) week of $11.02 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our grand total is now:

$268.43!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$162.72 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Famous MS Nickel!

As my grandfather used to say, "Well, I'll be go to Hell." They really do send nickels. Maryann says she thinks she should let the MS Society know where the nickels are going. Found Moser Money agrees.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!!
Volume 6, Number 2


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

*When trying to load the millions of bits of paper in your office onto the digital picture frame you bought on sale at London Drugs, make sure you find out how to reformat your pictures so they will play before you cut it to bits with your chainsaw arm and throw the thing out the window into the garden. To this end, obtain a Mac Guru (who you refer to as "Dear Free Tech Support") and let him talk you off the ledge. Enjoy the new picture frame freely!

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: Given that Sandy's money pot now weighs over 8 pounds, if you suffer from back strain from lifting the pot of found money, will it be covered by workwomen's compensation?

A: That depends entirely on the number and brand of chainsaw arms found on the jar. If the jar has two Stihl brand chainsaw arms and someone tries to lift it, knowing that the chainsaw arms will increase the weight of the jar, then the injured person is not eligible for Workman's Compensation.

3] General News!

* It's a slow week, kids, but don't despair. Take Ella's advice: "Oma! Eyes to the ground!!" And actually, this week's report only encompasses 3 days so I think it'll be better next week.

4] Last week's total!

* We started the week with (give or take) $250.86

5] Money reported this week!

+ Kim's 7 pennies from random parking lots and Dangerousway stores. 4 of them were lined up in a bread crumb sort of way, as though luring me into the grocery store.
+ Stu's 36 cents (!!!). 25 cents from the ticket spitter, a penny at the pub, and a dime on the street outside the shop
+ Karen's 9 cents (!!!!!) following her goddaughter Katie around downtown Toronto. Katie loved our idea so much she started randomly flinging pennies to the ground for Karen to "find".
+ Karen's 1 penny on Queen Street, Toronto
+ Karen's 1 penny on Yonge Street, Toronto
+ Karen's 8 cents (!!!!!!) at Union Station, Toronto. she postulates that it's because there's a food court in there.
+ Karen's 2 cents on King Street, Toronto. [Editor's note: Toronto is the goldmine Vegas never was!!!] she had to wait for two teenagers to get on the bus so she could grab them from under their feet.
+ Sandy's $1.15 (!!!!!) from some cans at a Standardized Patient gig and a cart. yay!


For a total this week of $1.79 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$252.65!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$146.94 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!!
Volume 6, Number 1


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

To remove suddenly-appearing strange children on bicycles from your back yard, call the landlords and have them evicted by making up stories about how they're stealing your asparagus. Erect a large, electrified fence. Next, confiscate the basketballs and bike helmets they leave lying around in your garden and refuse to give them back, thus earning yourself the noble title, "That Mean Old Lady Next Door". Next, play Barry Manilow's greatest hits on repeat from a CD player strategically pointed at the house. If all of that fails, try the old "Get off my lawn!" tactic. [Editor's note: only the last technique has actually been applied to the problem.]

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: The Bat Boy from Baseline Burger Barn asks, "Why is this report so late again?"

A: Because, like, um.

Q: "Ah."

3] General News!

Described as a mysterious mix of chiroptera and human, Bat Boy is a regular character appearing in the pages of the veracity-challenged tabloid Weekly World News, as well as the subject of the theatrical production Bat Boy: The Musical. In 1992 the tabloid reported that a strange creature called the Bat Boy had been found in a cave in the mountains of West Virginia. At the time he was described as being three or four years old, with fangs, a bald head, "enormous amber eyes" and ears "like satellite dishes." Since then Bat Boy has appeared many times in the pages of the Weekly World News, most recently as a thorn in the side of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden. Bat Boy's popularity helped launch a musical, which debuted off-Broadway in 2001 and has been described as a cross between My Fair Lady andThe Rocky Horror Picture Show.


4] Last week's total!

* We started the week with (give or take) $241.05

5] Money reported this week!

+ Karen's 11 cents from a beer can at the Vipers' game and a penny at Dangerousway
+ Sandy and Sig's $2.42 a-like so: "4 safeway carts, went to the varscona to a play tonight and found 2 pennies and one quarter near the door. a dime AND a quarter on the floor of safeways while actually insided and buying milk! 7 cans. (3 from the fake patient thing, two in the ditch possible someone new.. canadian this time, and 2 from inside the varscona)
+ Sandy's $3.05 (!!!!!!!!!!!!) a-like so: "so there I was, being a liver, and at the break, I was telling the lady who runs the fake patient thing, about finding money and no money xmas. and safeway carts, and found pop cans.. at the end of the day, she hands me a bag full of all the cans and bottles from lunch! plus one safeway cart on the way home.
+ Sandy's 10 cents: "a ROOT BEER can???? in the ditch here? what the hell, has he become a reformed drinker?
+ Karen's 12 cents a-like so: "A dime and two pennies at the south centre mall food court proving my theory that mall food courts are gold mines"
+ Karen's 1 cent from some parking lot
+ Karen's 26 cents from a penny and a Dangerousway cart (on a +27 degree day)
+ Kim's 1 Yankee Cent a-like so: "i found a total of ONE PENNY in Vegas and it was in my room! it had been half vaccuumed under the lip between the carpet and the bathroom. i had to dig it out. no other money anywhere"
+ Karen's 26 cents a-like so: "Another cart quarter and another penny! Yay dangerous way!"
+ Karen's 11 cents (a dime from the Dangeroussay and a penny from the SEV.)
+ Ella and Sandy's $3.26 (!!!!!!!!) a-like so: "AND.. today I found a quarter in a safeway cart, A LOONIE IN A ZELLERS CART, the picked up ella from school, and we went through the drive through at macdonalds. this from a 5 year old: "OMA!!! eyes to the ground!" so opened the door, and ella is yelling "A PENNY! A PENNY!" but there was also a quarter!!"
+ Stu's 10 cents from down the street.

For a total this week of $9.81 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$250.86!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$145.15 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!!!
Volume 5, Number 4


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

How to Build an Ark! 

In case you need to build one, here are the instructions:

Obtain a large quantity of gopherwood. If gopherwood is not available, substitute common cypress, noted in the Mediterranean for its resistance to rotting. Begin gathering animals to carry in the ark. Start with pack animals, which will make it easier to haul in the necessary gopherwood. Prepare a framework on which to attach the outer hull, planking and decking. Framework dimensions are 300 cubits (450 feet) long by 50 cubits (75 feet) wide by 30 cubits (45 feet) high. Attach planking for the outer hull, placing a door in the side to make it easier to load the animals into the ark. Also attach decking and two subdecks, dividing the ark into upper, middle and lower levels. Divide the floors into rooms to keep the animals separated and provide separate space for the human crew. Secure the galley so that hungry animals can't break in and eat more than their share. Make a roofed cabin for the upper deck and finish the ark to within a cubit (18 inches) from the top. Coat the hull inside and out with pitch to seal any gaps between the planks and protect the wood. Apply several coats, as the ark must withstand forty days and nights of rain, plus another 110 days of ocean travel and another 7 months of sitting in mud on Mount Ararat.


2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: Karen from Calgary asks, "how much does the human head weigh?"

A: With or without a Chainsaw Arm?

Q: "With."

A: Okay, well, an adult human cadaver head cut off around vertebra C3, with no hair, weighs somewhere between 4.5 and 5 kg, constituting around 8% of the whole body mass. BUT with a chainsaw arm attached to vertebra C3, it would weigh approximately 14 kg, depending on the brand of chainsaw one attached to it. Since the Terminator's head weighs 20 kg all on its own, if one added a chainsaw arm to the Terminator's head (again, depending on the brand of chainsaw and given the head was from the T-800 series and not the T-1000 series as the T-1000 series' heads are lighter with less bad acting and big sunglasses), the total weight would be between 24 and 30 kg. We hope that answers your question, Karen from Calgary, and thanks for writing!

3] General News!

Weekly Found Money Report Late Because of Influence of Space Alien Bat Boy!

The Weekly Found Money Report is late this week, we can reveal, because of the evil influence of the Space Alien Bat Boy. Sources say that the Bat Boy has been influencing the cosmos by wearing a tinfoil hat and channelling his Space Alien Energies into making the Weekly Found Money Report late. "The Weekly Found Money Report is late this week," said the source, "because the Space Alien Bat Boy has fashioned a tinfoil hat which reportedly channels his Space Alien Energies." The source added that the Bat boy Energies were responsible for the lateness of this week's report and that Kimmy was not to be blamed in any way for the lateness of the Report. "We must be careful not to blame Kimmy in any way for not getting her poop in a group and getting the Report out on time. The Space Alien Bat Boy has been using his tinfoil hat to channel his Space Alien Bat Boy Energies into making the Report late."

4] Last week's total!

* We started the week with (give or take) $231.89

5] Money reported this week!

+ Sandy's 10 cents from "one measly water bottle." MOM! every measly water bottle counts!
+ Karen's $1.28 haul (!!!!!!!!) a-like so: "Very good trip to the mall yesterday. A penny at home depot. 2 pennies in the gold mine food court. One safeway cart quarter and a LOONIE on the floor at the shoppers drug mart cosmetic counter!"
+ Sandy's 25 cents from "one measly cart". i think she's beginning to form an unnatural attachment to the word "measly".
+ Karen's 4 cents at Tim's drive-thru
+ Karen's 4 cents a-like so: "2 pennies at the newspaper smoke shop at the north hill mall. God I love this mall! Then 2 more at safeway and one of those was at the great florist counter!
+ Sandy's 25 from "one measly cart". there's that "M" word again!
+ Kim's 25 cents from the floor of the pub. i told a guy who was standing next to where i found it what we were doing, and then THIS happened:
+ Kim's $2.25 from a guy called Oliver who i've never met! he heard what i was doing, and "accidentally" dropped $2.25 on the floor and said, "Oh no! Look! I dropped my money! Now I guess it will have to go to charity!" i thanked him like mad!
+ Griffin and Cam's 60 cents (2 carts and a can)
+ Sandy and Sig's 55 cents from two bottles, a Dangerousway cart and a Lucky Lager (old faithful) can
+ Karen's 2 cents from the ticket spitter and the print shop
+ Stacey and Ella's $2.41 !!!!!!!!!!!! from all kinds of carts and bottles and the help of Vi!!!
+ Sandy's 50 cents all from beer cans in the ditch
+ Sandy and Sig's 62 cents (2 Safeway carts + one water bottle + a penny at the bank + one penny at Eastgate mall.


For a total this week of $9.16 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$241.05!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$135.34 is currently in the Charity Fund.

The Weekly Found $$$$$$$$$$$$ Report!!
Volume 5, Number 3


IN THIS ISSUE:

1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!
2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

3] General News!

4] Last week's total!

5] Money reported this week!

6] Grand total to date!


1] Tips from the Peanut Gallery!

How to Make a Chainsaw Arm!
Bruce Campbell made chainsaw arms famous in his portrayal of Ash Williams in the Sam Raimi action-horror movie classics “Evil Dead,” “Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn” and “Army of Darkness.” In the films, Bruce Campbell sports a chainsaw over his stump of an arm and wields it into a zombie-ridden crowd. Read on to find out how to make your own chainsaw arm to fight zombies during Halloween!
1. Decide which arm you want to have your chainsaw arm.
2. Apply a generous amount of glue to the top side of the glove.
3. Attach the underside of your toy chainsaw handle to the topside of the glove.
4. Press with heavy books to keep the glue and chainsaw close and allow the glue to fully adhere.
5. Let dry for at least 1 hour.

2] Strange and/or Relevant Questions I have Received!

Q: How do earthworms digest their food?

A: Since it has no jaws or teeth, the earthworm uses its muscular pharynx to suck in soil containing food. The food particles and soil go through a long esophagus into a round organ called a crop. Then it is forced into the gizzard. The gizzard contracts and expands, causing grains of sand and food to rub together. In this way, the food is ground up. Digestion is made significantly more easy if the worm has at least one chainsaw arm.

Q: Ah.


3] General News!

Bat Boy Found In Cave Making Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms to Lure Space Aliens to his Lair, says source. A source has revealed to The Weekly Found $$$ Report that the famous Bat Boy of Baseline Burger Barn has been found making Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms to lure Space Aliens to his Lair. His reasoning is unclear. "We're not clear about his reasoning," said the source, "but we know that he's been making several Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms to lure Space Aliens to his Lair." The source also revealed that there was not just one but several Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms being constructed but that the Bat Boy's reasoning is still unclear. "The Bat Boy's reasoning is still somewhat unclear," revealed the source, adding that several of the mysterious Space Alien Luring Chainsaw Arms had been constructed by the Bat Boy for an unclear reason other than to lure Space Aliens to his Lair.

4] Last week's total!
* We started the week with (give or take) $223.01

5] Money reported this week!

+ Kimmy's 25 cents from a Dangerousway cart found in the cart thingy while walking through the parking lot on her way to the pub to play pool with the Writer in Residence.
+ Sandy and Sig's $1.70 a-like so: 6 safeway carts. (on a lovely day in the middle of the afternoon) and one water bottle and one old faithful lucky lager in my ditch!! My apologies! This should have been in last week's report!!!!!!
+ Sandy's 25 cents (every one counts) from one cart even though it was SNOWING.
+ Sandy's 75 cents (it was -1 so she thought it should have been more but that's a pretty good haul!)
+ Kim's 1 cent at Stu's pub under the foot of the visiting Writer in Residence. he stepped off it to play his turn at the pool table, and i nabbed it!
+ Karen's TOONIE!!!! at the florist counter at the Dangerousway!
+ Kim's 10 cents in the College parking lot
+ Sandy's $1.00 from driving around Dangerousway lots when she was supposed to be racing home with Sig's prescriptions. as she says, "i know. i'm a rotten wife."
+ Sandy's 10 cents from one bottle somewhere
+ Karen's 22 cents from 2 cans and 2 pennies outside the school yard on a dog walk.
+ Sandy and Sig's $1.75 a-like so: "loooooonnnniiieeeeee AT SUPER STORE!!!! one safeway cart and five drink containers in the ditch. one dr, pepper, one "monster energy drink", and two lucky lager (old faithful)"
+ Sandy's 50 cents from 4 bottles and a lucky lager can in the ditch. (those teenagers shore do drink a heap o' Lucky Lager in mom's ditch!)
+ Sandy's 25 from one "measly" Dangerousway cart. Mother! Every One Counts!



For a total this week of $8.88 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Our grand total is now:

$231.89!!!!!!!!!

$105.71 is the final total for the Xmas Dinner Fund.

$126.18 is currently in the Charity Fund.

Major Haul!

Way too long since we had a smiley face!